“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” – Unknown
“Boundaries” is a golden word!
Since the 1980s, the word “boundaries” has soared in popularity—becoming a common phrase in therapist’s offices, casual conversations, self-help books, and especially in the wellness community!
You’ve likely heard “boundaries” praised as “the key to healthy relationships”, “crucial for self-esteem”, and “one of the most important life skills a person can develop”.
But what are boundaries?
Why are they so important?
How does one successfully “set” a boundary?
And what do your essential oils and your iTOVi Scanner have to do with any of it?
Why do we need boundaries?
Simply put, we all need boundaries because we all have personal needs and rights.
No—don’t run away from the idea of having personal needs and rights! It’s not selfish. It’s a beautiful truth! Human lives, all human lives, have inherent value. And as such, everyone should be treated with a basic level of respect. And that includes you!
Period.
So, what are the basic needs and rights that should be respected for every person?
Firstly, all human beings need and deserve to feel reasonably safe (both physically and emotionally). And secondly, we all need to feel a personal sense of autonomy (free will), authenticity, and dignity in order to thrive as human beings!
The trouble is, we live in a chaotic world, alongside people and influences that we can’t control! And occasionally (intentionally or unintentionally and to varying degrees), the “uncontrollables” in life infringe on us, on our sense of safety, autonomy, and dignity, and our ability to be authentic.
Which is exactly why we have boundaries!
Boundaries protect us. They help us communicate our needs, claim our power, and express ourselves. They help us feel safe. They help us preserve our autonomy and dignity. They help us stand up for ourselves. They open the door to our authenticity and empower us to stand by our moral principles. They protect us against exploitative and manipulative influences. They equip and enable us to fulfill our responsibilities and not cause harm to both ourselves and others by taking on the responsibilities of others.
Once we master their use, boundaries can take a huge load of stress off of us! They help us avoid being overwhelmed by this crazy world. And they help us build healthy relationships with ourselves and with others.
Sounds pretty great, right? So, where do we start?
How do I set helpful, healthy boundaries?
“Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives” – Henry Cloud
Step 1: Mine vs. Yours
Boundaries begin with understanding what’s yours and what’s not.
What are your rights, your resources, and your responsibilities? To summarize:
Your rights: To 1) be treated fairly by others (including fair opportunities, fair recompense for your efforts, and the right to not be unjustly punished or mistreated) and 2) to decide what you will do with your resources.
Your resources:
- Your time
- Your physical energy
- Your emotional energy (including your attention and your presence)
- Your body
- Your material and legal possessions including your money
- Your labor and the use of your skills
Your responsibilities:
- Your own physical and emotional well-being
- The physical and emotional well-being of your underage children (in increasingly diminished degree as they become more independent)
- The physical and emotional well-being of your pets
- Your own career
- Your moral and spiritual health
- Your side of all your relationships
- Your own self-improvement
You are also responsible for:
- Processing and managing your own feelings
- Curating your own attitudes and beliefs (and for how those attitudes and beliefs affect your life)
- Your own behaviors and choices (including how you act on your values)
- Your thoughts
- The limits you place on yourself and others
- The fulfillment of your desires.
Defending your rights and fulfilling your responsibilities should be your first priority. They should be what you give first priority to when deciding what to do with your resources.
Knowing what these rights, responsibilities, and resources are (and knowing they are the same for others) will help you identify situations where boundaries are needed. They will also help you understand what you can set boundaries around, what you set your boundaries with, and why you set them.
| Activity: Understanding Boundary Violations |
| Review each of the rights, resources, or responsibilities listed above. Can you think of a hypothetical situation (or perhaps a memory) in which each right might be violated, each resource might be exploited, or each responsibility put onto someone else?
This activity will help you understand different ways boundaries can be violated and prepare you to know how to defend them. |
Two types of Boundaries
The two of most common types of boundaries are:
- An external boundary: A boundary prevents someone else from using your resources to fulfill their responsibilities. Situations that require an external boundary might include:
- A coworker often asks or even demands that you do their work for them.
- An adult family member, through their behavior or words, insists that you are responsible for financially supporting them, alleviating their loneliness, or making them happy.
- A friend wants you to come out with them when you need to stay in and attend to your own life affairs or catch up on rest or alone time.
- An abuser doesn’t want to be responsible for their own anger and takes it out on you.
- An internal boundary: A boundary sets a limit on a certain part of yourself so that it won’t obstruct your ability to fulfill your responsibilities, uphold your rights, or manifest your authentic self. Situations that require an internal boundary might include:
- Your love for staying out late at night is interfering with your ability to responsibly take care of yourself (sleep enough, fulfill your workplace of life responsibilities, etc)
- Your overspending habit is preventing you from saving responsibly for your future or the future of your family.
- Your desire for validation and/or closure has you reaching out to your ex, typically bringing out a side of you you don’t like and cutting you off from your true self.
- Your fear of your spouse’s possible reaction to your honesty is preventing you from expressing how you really feel in your marriage.
| But shouldn’t I be nice? Shouldn’t I give others what they want? |
| It’s good to be kind. It’s good to want good things for others. It’s good to be generous and even sensitive to the pains, feelings, and desires of other people.
BUT it is NOT moral or an act of kindness to:
In each of these cases, you must:
If you have ingrained habits of being “nice” in the wrong way to others, it may be a difficult, emotionally-turbulent journey ahead to end these patterns. It may be especially difficult if, due to trauma, you have a “flight” or “fawn” mechanism in place that you have used for years to keep yourself safe. Seek help from trusted friends or a professional counselor if needed. |
“Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.” – Silvy Khoucasian
Signs that you may need to set a boundary:
- Feelings of dread or anxiety
- Feeling out of control
- Feeling burnt out
- Irrational feelings of guilt or anger
- Not feeling sure where you stand with someone
- Feeling that you can’t be your true self/don’t like the version of yourself you turn into when you are in a particular place or with a particular person.
| Be attuned to your feelings.
Feelings and boundaries are connected. You simply can’t identify where you need boundaries OR have the fortitude to set and uphold boundaries in your life if you are not in touch with your feelings and grounded in them. Use regular “check-in-with-yourself” moments to help you notice and be attuned to your own emotions! The iTOVi Scanner is a great companion for these moments! Also, beware of being rushed! It is easy to let our boundaries fall or be compromised when we’re feeling rushed or “put on the spot”, especially when our emotions are already running high! Where necessary, choose to set a boundary around your own time, space, and autonomy so that you can process things without being rushed into a bad decision. |
Step 2: How to Communicate Your Boundary
Your boundaries help you be true to yourself.
Although your boundaries may have an effect on the behavior of others and help you respond to the behavior of others—the point is not to control the behavior of others. You cannot, (nor ultimately should you) control other people. They have their rights to autonomy and free choice just as you do.
Your boundaries guide your behavior and your choices so that, no matter what decisions others make, you can be true to yourself (including making authentic choices about what you will do with your resources to ensure that you feel safe and can fulfill your responsibilities).
So, with that in mind, let’s talk about how to set a boundary!
Boundary Format #1—”No”
This boundary type helps you express your limits on what you choose to do with your resources. When you use it, you recognize your own authority to make your own decisions.
Of course, you can still give a positive, authentic, and grounded “Yes” when the time is right. But when you’re tempted to say “yes” out of fear of their reaction, out of an obligation to fix their problems, or in self-betrayal of your own needs—this is the part where you bravely say “no”.
Sometimes, a boundary like this can be expressed gently (but clearly and firmly) in response to a kind invitation or request from another:
Example 1:
A: Hey, the girls and I are going to the movies tonight, want to come?
B: Thank you for the invitation, but I can’t come out tonight.
[Remember, their night’s enjoyment is their responsibility.]
Example 2:
A: I’m decorating for the party. Can you come help?
B: No, not today.
[Remember, it was their choice to take on the responsibility of decorating. Unless you agreed beforehand to also be responsible for it, it is not your job to make sure that the decorating gets done. You are within your rights to say “no”.]
Or it can be expressed more firmly, but still clearly, in response to a plea or demand from another:
Example 1:
A: Will you PLEASE cover my shift?
B: No, not this time.
[It can be hard to say “no” to someone who is expressing extreme desire or emotional distress. But, in this situation, their shift is still their responsibility. And you are within your rights to say “no” and you definitely ought to say “no” if you can’t say “yes” without 1) perpetuating a bad habit of them unnecessarily putting their work onto you or 2) compromising your own responsibilities, including the care of yourself.]
Example 2:
A: Hey bro, can you lend me money to repair my car?
B: No.
A: C’mon! I know you can!
B: No.
A: C’mon! I need a car! I won’t be able to go to job interviews or have any fun without a car and it will be your fault I don’t have one!
B: You’ll have to figure out another way to get around until you fix your car.
A: Lend me your car, then! It’s the least you can do!
B: No.
A: You’re so selfish!
[Their access to transportation, their career, and their ability to have fun are their responsibility to figure out. This could be a great opportunity for them to figure out their own problems and learn greater responsibility. But you will take that opportunity away from them if you give in to their demands.]
You may also use this style of boundary to set boundaries with yourself. For example, if a part of you wants to stay up late, beyond what you’ve decided is healthy for you, it’s important that you can say “no” to that part of yourself.
| Common Questions about the “No” Boundary |
| Do I owe them an explanation for my “no”? — No, you don’t. What you choose to do with your resources and why is your business. As long as you have not violated any of their rights with your choices, you don’t owe them any explanation.
In many situations, you may choose to give them an explanation as a gesture of goodwill—but you should approach these explanations as a way to express yourself, not as an argument to justify yourself. You have nothing to justify if the situation at hand is their responsibility. Possible explanations matching the situations above could be:
Sometimes, all you have to do is explain how you feel (as per above) and they will respect your feelings and not keep pushing the issue. This doesn’t always happen though. So be ready to stand your ground with a clearer “no”. Remember, no matter what happens, defending yourself against boundary violations is your responsibility! |
| Is there a way I can soften my “no”? — Absolutely, if you want to. But this should never be done out of fear or at the cost of your clarity.
Sometimes people hear a soft “no” and accept it. And sometimes people will see a soft “no”, think that it’s not firm, and keep pushing. You can be kind. But also make sure to be honest and stand your ground! If they are not respecting your answer, it may be necessary to start speaking more firmly and directly. Possible softeners matching the situations above could be:
|
| Am I allowed to leave any room for negotiation? — That depends on you. Can you stay true to yourself in the negotiating space?
A good rule of thumb is: Do not engage in negotiations where you might get pressured into betraying yourself, going against your needs, feelings, or standards. Don’t negotiate with emotional terrorists. Only negotiate in emotionally-safe spaces with emotionally-safe people. And remember, you are within your rights to say that certain boundaries are simply not up for negotiation. This may be the case with many of your boundaries. Possible negotiations matching the situations above could look like:
|
Boundary Format #2—“If, Then”
This boundary is an expression and a warning.
It helps you communicate, to both yourself and others, what your standards are. That includes your standards for 1) how you will behave, 2) for how others will behave, and 3) if your standards are violated, how you will respond.
For this type of boundary, remember—just as you have the right to say “no” to using your resources in a particular way or situation, you also have the right to withdraw your resources.
This boundary is usually phrased as:
“If [insert action that violates my boundaries], I will [insert action of what I will do with my rights and resources to protect my boundaries]”
Sometimes these boundaries will be best spoken in advance, a long time before there is any chance of them happening (see examples below). And sometimes they will need to be set in the moment (see examples below).
Your boundaries will be personal to you. But here are a few examples below to help you get the idea.
External Boundaries:
- If you continue to shout or use foul language at me, I will leave the room.
[limit on their access to your person and attention]
- If you don’t pay me for the last freelance assignments I completed, I won’t accept any new ones.
[limit on their access to your labor]
- If you ask me to borrow money again, I will say “no”.
[limit on their access to your financial support]
- If you ask me to help you bake this weekend, I will only give you an hour of my time.
[limit on their use of your time]
- I know you want to ride in my car to the party, but you should know that if the party goes past 11:30, I will leave.
[limit on their access to your transportation services]
- I don’t find that kind of statement appropriate. If you make another suggestive comment to me, I will report you to HR.
[limit on their access to your person and using your voice to recruit outside help to enforce the boundary]
- Son, if you break the house rules and play your video games before doing your homework, I will take your video game console away for three days.
[limit on their access to the video game console, which you have the right to manage as their parent]
- If you can’t agree to a price within this range, that’s okay. I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[limit on their access to your product or service]
- If you continue criticizing my spouse, to them or to me, on the phone, I will not take your phone calls.
[limit on their access to your attention and emotional energy]
Internal Boundaries:
- Okay, self. If you stay up past 10:00 p.m. scrolling on social media, I will put the phone in another room.
- If I find myself over-apologizing or over-explaining again, I will stop, take a second to laugh at myself, and let it go.
- If I lose my temper, I will apologize for my method of communication.
- If I don’t go to the gym at least four times this month, I will cancel my gym membership and start exercising at home.
- If I miss another work deadline, I will cancel any plans I had to go out that weekend and stay in the office to finish.
Step 3: Holding and Enforcing Your Boundaries
Boundaries, when healthily expressed and respected, open up a whole new level of trust in personal relationships. They build up the foundation of safety, respect, and understanding you have with yourself and between you and other people!
It’s a truly wonderful feeling to express a boundary and then have it respected!
But, sometimes when you express a boundary, there is pushback.
Pushback on External Boundaries
“The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.” —Unknown
People dislike change and dislike it even less when they feel their sense of control or power decreasing. As such, it’s easy for people to feel betrayed, accused, pushed away, or even panicky when you set a boundary with them.
Some people may respond to your boundary-setting with expressions of disappointment or arguments against the limits you have set. Occasionally, there may be some raised voices, accusations, resentful feelings, or pleading guilt trips. Some people may give you a “false acceptance”, where they say they accept the boundary, but later violate it with their actions. And in the worst cases, there can be insults or threats of retaliatory behavior.
In such cases, you must stand firm! It will help to remember that:
- They are not entitled to your resources.
- Their feelings (including their feelings about your boundary) are their responsibility. You can recognize and empathize with their feelings if you choose, but don’t compromise your boundary! They must learn to be responsible for and process their own feelings without infringing on or demanding control over you.
And then, once the boundary has been communicated, if they choose to violate that boundary—you must follow through on what you said you would do! Nothing less will uphold the standard of respect with which you should be treated.
Even if they choose to disrespect you by ignoring your boundary, following through on what you said you would do in the case of a boundary violation is how you respect yourself!
Be matter-of-fact about it. Whenever a boundary of yours is violated, calmly but immediately follow through on what you said you would do. Let your actions do the talking and they will get the message.
At a later time, if there is an emotionally-safe space for it, you may later choose to express to them how their violation of your boundary made you feel. Your feelings about the boundary-violation event are your responsibility to process. But expressing those feelings to them will give them a chance to understand you and begin to rebuild trust.
When Pushback is Extreme |
| If you think situations are going to get tense, and you might lose your nerve and surrender your boundary, you may choose to have a trusted friend accompany you into the conversation to support you. In some family situations, you may want a therapist present.
If you want to set a boundary, but believe the listener would threaten or enact physical violence against you or someone else in response—the time for setting boundaries may have passed. It may be time to enact a boundary and get out of there! Prioritize your safety above everything else. Seek outside help from trusted sources (a friend to stay the night with, law enforcement, or a domestic abuse hotline). If necessary, remove yourself and any vulnerable parties (such as children) to a safe space away from this volatile person. |
The Effect of Personal Trauma on Boundaries
Those who have suffered trauma (either physical or emotional) are especially in need of boundaries! Boundaries help trauma survivors create safe spaces where they can heal, regain their sense of autonomy, and break toxic relationship patterns.
The trouble is it can be especially difficult for trauma survivors to set and maintain boundaries.
Trauma responses—such as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses—make it especially difficult for trauma survivors to 1) identify and process their feelings to know where a boundary needs to be set, 2) endure the tension and uncertainty that comes with setting a boundary, 3) stand their ground in maintaining their boundaries. They are also more likely to find themselves in relationships, cultures, and environments that lack support for, discourage, or even punish the act of setting and maintaining boundaries.
If this is you, don’t be ashamed. You are a survivor. You did what you needed to do (all that you were capable of) at the time to survive. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to embrace boundaries in your life.
Remember that, for healing, rest and tranquility are paramount! Make time for them! Focus on creating and inhabiting safe spaces where you can de-escalate your anxious feelings, nourish yourself, and relax! Practice ways you can soothe yourself without numbing or dissociating. And, when the time and place are right, practice processing your emotions.
And whether it’s relaxation- or emotional processing-time, essential oils and iTOVi can help!
How iTOVi & Essential Oils Can Help with Boundaries
Essential oils are great tools for emotional support by themselves. When you combine them with the personalized insight of the iTOVi Scanner, you’ve got a powerhouse combo to help you plan, set, and hold your boundaries!
iTOVi & Planning Boundaries
Step 1: Take some Time
We all need to regularly take time to review our boundaries. We need to stop and examine where we are in life, check in with how we’ve been feeling lately, identify problems, and decide on what solutions we’ll try—including what boundaries we will set.
Set apart actual blocks of time to check in with yourself. You won’t regret it.
Step 2: Connect with Your Body
Your body will tell you things—it will tell you if you’ve been pushing yourself too hard, reveal your true feelings to you, give you helpful insights, and more if you take the time to take care of and listen to it.
And the iTOVi Scanner is just the tool to help you connect with your body!
Your iTOVi Scan Report is like a snapshot of your body’s workings. Compare what you feel in your body to what you see in your scan report (pro tip: pay special attention to your top 3 products in your report as well as any body system or emotional categories that come up repeatedly on the first page of your report).
Show your body that you are present and attentive to it by using one or more of the top products from your report. Then, mindfully pay attention to the physical sensations, thoughts, or feelings that arise in you as you sit with your body.
Don’t think too much during this stage. Don’t try to analyze the information you receive or decide on anything just yet. Just try to sit, be present, and collect information by connecting with your body.
If you don’t have you don’t have your iTOVi Scanner on you, some great go-to oils for connecting with your body are Grapefruit, Fennel, Patchouli, Thyme, and Copaiba.
Step 3: Study Your Feelings, Desires, & Values
Once you are thoroughly calm and have enough information to start working with, you can begin to sort out feelings.
Think about what you want. Think about what you need and what you need to do in the short term to fulfill your immediate responsibilities and help build reality toward your long-term vision. Think about your internal obstacles—including unprocessed emotions, mindsets, habits, and attitudes that are holding you back. Think about your external obstacles—including drains on your energy, resources, and other things that are interfering with your ability to be your best self, fulfill your responsibilities, and build your future.
Think about your moral values and how they play into your current situation.
Determine where helpful internal and external boundaries could be set.
During this stage, it may help you dive a little deeper if you take time to meditate, journal, or talk it out with a trusted friend. The Reference Book material on the top 3 products in your iTOVi Scan report may be helpful as well.
iTOVi & Setting Your Boundaries
Step 1: Review
Review the boundary you want to set. Make sure you have the right words in place (see above).
If it is an external boundary (one that you are going to set with someone else), you may want to say it out loud a few times to practice. If it is an internal boundary, repeating it a few times out loud may also help.
Step 2: Gear Up
Setting boundaries can be scary! Especially if you are setting an external boundary and especially if you are anticipating pushback, either from them or from within yourself when you make it.
So feel free to take a minute before the conversation to breathe, gather your strength, review your wording again, and maybe inhale some invigorating or calming oils! (We particularly recommend any oils that come up in your iTOVi scan report under Safe/Secure, Empowerment, or Peace).
Bonus tip: For women, your ovulatory phase is a great time to speak your boundaries and have those difficult conversations and your menstrual phase is a great time to examine your feelings! See “Tapping into the Power of Your Flow: iTOVi + Cycle-Syncing!” for more details.
Step 3: Say It
When the time comes—say it! Try to speak clearly and calmly, but firmly. And remember to hold to your true self if you encounter pushback!
iTOVi & Holding Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries, whether internal or external, kickoff changes in our lives. We design our boundaries to change our lives for the better! But almost any change can be difficult to maintain.
We need to hold on long enough for this change to solidify. We need to keep ourselves from sliding back to the old normal so we can finish creating a new, better normal with our boundaries.
Whatever the pushback, whatever the obstacles of internal or external resistance to this change, we need to hold our ground against them.
It’s not just force of will that is going to get us through this. It’s balance and connection.
Step 1: Be Balanced
We have to stay balanced so we don’t become overwhelmed. This means self-care, not taking on too much at once, and fueling up when we need it (rest, nourishing food, positive company, etc).
Use healthy habits, tips from your DNA, and regular check-ins with the iTOVi Scanner to help you stay balanced.
Step 2: Be Connected
Connection is power.
Staying connected to yourself and to those who truly support you is what will give you the strength to maintain this change until it becomes the new normal.
And we stay connected by, you guessed it, checking in. Check in with yourself regularly, using breaks, quiet moments, iTOVi Scans, journaling, art, or whatever else works for you. And check in with your support network regularly too with phone calls, hangouts, shared activities, or whatever else helps you maintain the ties that keep you strong.
iTOVi Right After Boundaries
Step 1: De-stress Afterwards & Often
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, especially when you are first starting out, can be some of the most strenuous emotional labor you’ve done in your life! All the serious reflections, decision-making, and intimidating social conversations involved boundary-setting can really take it out of you!
Boundaries help reduce the stress in your life, yes, but setting and defending those boundaries can be exhausting in and of itself!
So, after working hard at your boundaries—take some time to de-stress! Treat yourself to a nap, a meditation session, a stress-relieving walk, a favorite old movie, a gym session, some art work, or whatever helps you destress!
Step 2: Review & Prepare
This part has to be done carefully. If you review your boundaries/your recent boundary-setting experiences when you’re too stressed (i.e. too soon afterwards, in a stressful environment, etc), you might slide backwards!
That said, reviewing our boundaries and recent boundary-setting experiences can bring on powerful insights to help you better understand yourself, your relationships, and your path forward.
So, only when you are in a safe, calm, and collected space where you can bring your best self to the table, take some time to reflect.
As you do, you may perhaps realize that:
- Your boundary conversation went better than you expected! You may be delighted to find and now feel that you are more respected and supported than you thought!
- You faltered when a certain argument or attack was made against your boundary. You may resolve to study yourself for why you faltered and what you can do to protect yourself in the future.
- You set your boundary with more harshness that was necessary. You may choose to self-reflect on where that extra anger and vindictiveness came from.
- You didn’t set your boundary clearly enough with yourself or with others. You expect you will, or already have, experienced difficulty holding this boundary because of this. You may choose to revisit and reformulate this boundary so it can meet your needs.
- And more!
Conclusion
Boundary-talk is revolutionary.
Though it’s only been around for a few decades, boundary-talk is already changing lives!
It’s setting a new standard for healthy social interaction. It’s empowering those who have never been taught self-esteem. And it’s powerfully challenging and transforming our society’s views on a wide range of social issues.
And the more people who practice health boundary setting, the further this revolution will go!
We invite you to take what you have learned about boundaries today and use it! Practice it. And share it with others.
There’s a beautiful tomorrow awaiting us, and boundaries are a part of it!
Further Reading:
- *Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend, Henry Cloud, et al
- Healthy Boundaries: How to Set Strong Boundaries, Say No Without Guilt, and Maintain Good Relationships With Your Parents, Family, and Friends Paperback by Chase Hill
- The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban and Random House Audio
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